The Fine Print

2006-04-05T10:12:00.000-07:00

Life Is Difficult

“Life is difficult.”

That was the first line of a book that I had read years ago, a book still sitting on the shelves in my study, and one I had picked up recently to review again.

The second line reads, “This is a great truth…one of the greatest truths there is.”

I picked up the book two months after I had told myself I would flip through the highlighted pages again, and two months after having entered my last entry here on this blog.

The reason being, the last two months have been just that – difficult.

February began with my having to make a trip back home. It actually began as an unnecessary trip, being it was for coming out party for my niece. Not that I find my niece or family insignificant, it’s just that I find lavish, expensive unnecessary events of the sort, including weddings, well, unnecessary.

But a week before my reluctantly having to attend this event, my mom suffered a near life-threatening trip to the hospital, caused by her lack of attention to her diabetes. She is still reluctant to admit she is one, and has no idea on how to deal with it, even after my addressing it with her. But mom is bull-headed and strong (traits of hers I inherited), and to no one’s amazement, pulled through.

Then came March 3, with the kind of news that rocked the foundation of my somewhat charmed life and required me to utilize all my resources and any ounce of hope I had left in me to deal with it. But I did, and almost a month later, I have emerged stronger and the better, and more hopeful that I can make it through anything that life has to dish out.

So yes, life is difficult, but within us are the tools needed to take on any challenges. These tools are discipline to confront the issue, devotion to overcoming it, and hope for an encouraging outcome. There is much more in us, but these are the ones I had to clutch on to, to get through the last two months.

Many people, when faced with adversity, simply take it lying down or simply give up. I figured there is no glory in giving up and did the only thing I’ve done my entire life - roll with the punches.

And, so now it’s spring, a season representing growth; and well, that is what I plan for myself these next two months – personal growth.

2006-01-31T21:22:00.000-08:00

Looking a Gift Toward the Horse’s Mouth

I’ve yet to learn to truly appreciate a gift for the meaning in which it is given.

It’s been almost a week since I received a gift – the latest Nano gadget out there. And, don’t get me wrong, it’s a wonderful gift, a thoughtful gift, and I'm sincerely thankful. But as usual, I am struggling with the issue of things I want (which this gift is) and the things I can do without.

You see, I hate to see loved ones spend so much on me. I’m one who doesn’t feel the need for them to do so. This is the reason it is difficult for me to enjoy such gift. I feel I should be the one obtaining such things on my own.

So, the unwrapped gift, along with the receipt and warranty have been sitting unopened for several days now - at least until my period of buyer’s remorse is over. (These periods have lasted more than a month the last three times I’ve bought a car) But, I guess, in a way I am making sure the presenter of this gift isn’t experiencing any regret.

I can only hope I get better at never looking beyond the sincere meaning of the gift.

2006-01-26T21:43:00.000-08:00

Running on Empty

I’m always stretching my limits with an empty gas tank.

I recall the “low fuel” indicator coming on as I drove in to work that morning, and I was still about 15 miles from work.

I had full confidence I could make it to work with no problem at all, and then I would simply fill the tank up after work.

So, 15 min. before quitting time, I get an emergency call and in all the urgent communication, I simply lose track of the things before me that needed completion before heading home. One of those things, of course, was getting gas before getting on the freeway.

I don’t know whether the indicator light had come on before my noticing it ten miles into my drive home, and even if it had, my thoughts were fogged with a very pressing matter. Now, I could have turned off the freeway from the many exits available to me, but I’m the type of person who, when unfamiliar with an area, will end up driving 30 miles on an empty gas tank looking for a gas station.

So, I pressed my luck continuing on the freeway and surprisingly, made it home, 30 miles on my reserve tank. Now I don’t want anyone to think that this is common practice for me, although, I have tested the highway gods with my near empty approach into gas stations on more than one occasion.

And in a way, I’ve done the same thing at various times of my life with certain aspects of my life. I’ve taken some risks, tested the limits, exhausted my luck, and have coasted, in most cases, unscathed.

I don’t boast about having taken such risks. I only bring them up to remind myself how available fortune has made itself when I felt I had nothing left in me.

2006-01-17T22:09:00.000-08:00

It Was the Best of Times; It Was the Worst of Times

That seems to sum up the pattern of my life.

Some years have been exceptionally good producing great results in just about everything, and others have been somewhat tumultuous years filled with difficult obstacles and not so fruitful outcomes.

Like most, I wish I could simply account for the good years of my life and leave the rest behind, but when I reflect on my life as a whole, the bad years, while not producing what I consider great results, allowed me to discover great things within myself that would not otherwise have been discovered.

Neither the good years filled with prosperity, nor the bad years filled with difficulty were planned. In fact, I’ve learned that all the planning we do cannot always prepare us for the unexpected fortune or setbacks that can sometimes fall upon us.

But what I have held on to is one simple truth – that regardless of what life, fate or higher will throws our way, we are given the opportunity to choose use the good fortune that comes our way, accept the setbacks life has to offer and proceed as best we know, or just simply give up in defeat.

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t accept set backs very well, but the flip side to that would be to accept defeat, and well, I’d rather bet that my fortune will change if I just keep trying to make the best of what life has to offer.

2006-01-10T20:58:00.000-08:00

An Almost Effortless Attempt at Everything

It’s getting more difficult these days to motivate myself to do the things I enjoy doing.

What use to come so naturally and what I used to get done with what seemed to be very little effort are now some of those things I have to actively make time for in my life.

Workouts use to be just a natural part of my day. Now, I try everything I can to avoid them. But to some extent, I guess they still remain second nature, because even in the days when I hit a wall of exhaustion, I manage to muster up enough energy to get one in.

Getting up in the mornings these days is not what it used to be – an automatic wake up call without a second’s hesitation to get out of bed. And, while I’ve never used an alarm clock to wake up at a designated time, these days, my body seems to wake up every hour of the night to make sure I haven’t overslept. And while I still get up with very little hesitation, I do give myself a minute or so to determine if sleeping in 15 minutes more will do any harm to my schedule. Determining this is more effort than I’d like to put in so early in the morning, so I decide getting up is the easiest way to go.

Even walking the dogs lately just seems to take so much effort. I realize there are many dog owners out there who don’t even walk their dogs, and it would be so easy for me to fall into that group, but walking the dogs is like my workouts -- as much energy and time out of my day it takes, I end up feeling so much better about myself by simply doing it.

So, yes, these days everything seems to take a lot more effort and use up a lot of my time, but I figure I’ve already set the momentum in which I’ll be moving for quite some time, with much effort and with very little rest in sight.

2006-01-07T18:21:00.000-08:00

Few and Far Between, But Geniune

There are very few people I honestly let into my life.

I’ve heard it said, “no one can never have too many friends.” But I tend to believe the opposite.

I do understand you can have many associates, but friends – the kind you get to know intimately, and who understand your aspirations and daily obstacles and accomplishments - well for me, those are few and far between.

True friendships are a lot of work. And that’s not to say they don’t happen naturally and just fall into place. But after they have, they require the care, time and consideration and anything we truly appreciate does.

So, I know in my case, I tend to keep a barrier at times on the number of people I allow into my life and the times that I allow them in. Now, one would think that this would have prevented me from having some valuable relationships and friendships, but I honestly believe I have had a great share of those, and at a level that has been very suitable for me.

In fact, many of my friends have snuck past my barrier in their own inconspicuous way, with my having no awareness and definitely no intentions of pursuing such a relationship, but they have become what they are – strong allies, pleasant company and true friends.

So while I may not call everyone my friend, I do have a wonderful circle of them that I guard closely and hold dearly.

2006-01-03T21:58:00.000-08:00

A Brush with Death, A Stroke of Luck

I’ve had so many brushes with death.

While I may not be a religious man, I must admit I do believe in miracles, only because my still being alive is living proof of that.

I know we are all amazed that we survived our childhood years, especially those of us, who grew up in large families, had bigger brothers, and those of us who just took every chance there was in life just to earn our place in the ranking order of life.

Even as a Boy Scout, I was always the one everyone else knew would be the one to pull the bravest of stunts just to prove that I could. Well, I did become an Eagle Scout for all it was worth, but when I stop and think about some of the things we did, well, we were just stupid.

And then I have to account for my own dumb actions, even as an adult. Death, literally, has knocked on my door, and has tried to push his way in. I think about the car accidents, the fall off the ladder, the reckless parties, and then the going into places I shouldn’t have been in.

Well, you get somewhat of an idea, that I tread where trouble breeds. Now this isn’t to boast about my actions, or promote such activities. I wish I had been smarter right from the get go. And, I would say I wish I could take all my mistakes back and never repeat them, but I’ve learned from my mistakes and I hope to be a smarter man from what I’ve learned.

But I know for a fact, that a cat is not the only creature with more than one life. I know this, because I am certain I’ve exhausted all mine by now.

2005-12-31T22:36:00.000-08:00

First Comes Reflection, Then The Celebration

There are some events that I personally see more as opportunities for personal reflection than I do as days of celebration - those being Christmas, New Year’s Eve and birthdays.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love a great celebration as much as the next guy, and there’s nothing like a good party to well, just make you forget about the every day toils of life.

But, I also think that prior to such celebrations there should be time to reflect on why we celebrate such events, and we should consider how we conducted our lives up to such moments.

I was fortunate to take ten days off beginning Christmas Eve. On Christmas Day, I was in the small town of Los Olivos, 30 min. east of Santa Barbara. In a small town like that, there is nothing open on Christmas Day.

I decided to take an aimless drive and discovered one of California’s missions. There were many other people stopping to view the mission, however, the parking lot was closed off, so we all had to park a ways to get to it. Now, on Christmas Day, I’m thinking, what better day to leave the parking lot and mission open and allow people to reflect on Christmas. What better place to celebrate the thought and spirit of the holiday?

I’m not a religious person nor do I believe in any church, but on Christmas Day, I did go into a service being conducted in another mission. I wanted to witness how people celebrate Christmas. God knows we already know about the gift giving and hectic family gatherings. But at what point do we give ourselves the time to focus on the peace, joy and love this holiday is all about?

Now the same holds true for New Years Eve and birthdays. I see these holidays as a day for me to look back at my accomplishments and shortcomings and be thankful, but in most cases, be hopeful for opportunities for a better outcome in my life in the approaching year.

So in the midst of all the New Year’s Eve celebrating going on in the next room, I take this peaceful moment to hope for prosperity in the coming year.

2005-12-21T21:11:00.000-08:00

Thoughts Racing Through My Mind

I don’t ever want to fall asleep on the train.

Everyday I ride the train to work, I see people who nod off the minute they sit down, and have no problem sleeping through their entire commute.

I always give them the benefit of the doubt and think they must have a tremendous amount of family needs to tend to, or maybe have more than one job that prevents them from getting the proper amount of sleep.

In my case, I could never just sleep on the train. There is way too much to gaze at out the window, too many people to observe, and time to take advantage of by reading. I’m just afraid I might miss something.

I get up at 5:30 in the morning, although not as easily as I used to, and drudgingly I make my way to the train station, where I catch my train an hour later. It’s at this point that my day begins.

My mind all of sudden goes into daydream mode. I’m a terrible passenger in a two-person car ride, simply because I become consumed by the view outside the window, that I forget the driver might need someone to converse with.

My mind takes every aspect of my life, highlights and low points, or things that need to be resolved, and just fills it beyond clarity.

It is at this point, when my thoughts are racing at a faster pace than the train itself, when I wish I could sleep like the man sitting right in front of me. But with my six hours of sleep, I continue to think, “what could possibly make him so tired?”

2005-12-16T19:09:00.000-08:00

The House on the Corner

I pass this house almost every night as I walk the dogs.

Situated in the country club area of my neighborhood is this corner house. It’s neither a grand house, nor is it a house you just overlook. Even with it’s poorly kept exterior and picket fence with chipping paint, it’s a house that you just look at and see that its beauty is yet to be discovered.

I don’t know if anyone lives in this house, but from the absence of life coming from within, you would think it is abandoned. At night, there is not one single source of light reflected from within, and during the day, it seems as if anyone did live there, they possess very little, including imagination.

The house has the perfect angles, is the perfect size, and sits on an incredible corner lot. In California’s market, at any given time, it would be bought in a New York minute.

I wonder each time I pass it by, what it’s story is. What was it like in its glory day, and how long and how many owners did it take to wear it to its current, less glorious condition.

As I turn the corner, I mentally choose the colors I would paint the shutters, and select a soft accent color. In my head, the yard is spacious and offers a variety of places for entertaining, including a small public courtyard near the sidewalk with benches and a water fountain.

And then, of course, there is the picket fence. While I might not consider one to be masculine for my taste, for some reason, this fence is perfectly suited for this particular house, so in a way, I guess it would have to stay.

But most importantly, there would be the glow coming from within, a glow symbolizing love for the house.

I know someday I’ll pass this house and see it as it should be – gleaming with curb appeal, demanding it be looked at, overflowing with garden plants and sheltering a loving owner.

2005-12-15T22:15:00.000-08:00

The Life We Live Now Determines Our Fate

I don’t believe in heaven or hell.

Again, some of you may find that to be sacrilegious or find me an unrighteous man, but then, what constitutes anyone person as righteous?

I do have faith, not necessarily in the concept of a God, as most people believe in, but rather as a force. And while I may not believe in a heaven or a hell, I don’t think that a person dies and simply ceases to exist.

I believe that we all encounter certain people throughout our lives to share a part of ourselves with. Not all people. But for some reason, we encounter certain individuals that we draw from and that, at the same time, draw mutually from us.

There is a random connection we have with such people we meet through the course of our lives, and sometimes these connections last a long time.

What I believe happens when we die, is that the part of us that we shared with such people continues to exist in that person as a force that may interpret itself into a moment of perseverance, a sense of confidence, or as a source of inspiration.

This is the heaven that exists in my beliefs. For in order for us to share of ourselves, we must be willing to give of our time, energy and good will. This is what the good in us is all about.

As for the hell, I can’t say I full comprehend this end of the formula. I would imagine that only a person, who has failed to give of himself, experiences this pain here on earth in the form loneliness, and by never experiencing the joy or self-worth of sharing with others.

2005-12-13T20:06:00.000-08:00

The Juncture Up Ahead

Certain things in my life happen like clockwork, others just seem to happen on a regular basis, but with no rhythm of expectation to them.

It’s like my sleep pattern. I experience periods of sleepless nights about once every three to four months, usually lasting no more than three to four nights.

I can’t explain it. It just happens.

The same thing happens in other aspects of my life. Some are related to my career only, others to my social and recreational life, and at times, some to my very personal life, which, I keep, well, personal.

The career changes use to come around about every two years when I was younger. Now they seem to happen about every four years. These I usually bring upon myself by deciding I am no longer learning anything new or not being challenged, and decide it is time to move on.

Besides, I’m not the type of person who works for a company believing that I will someday retire with that company’s retirement plan. I’ve worked for some pretty good companies, too. I figure the retirement plan is up to me eventually.

So, when it comes to my career, there are times when I know it is time to move on, and usually, I get a good signal when that time is.

The social and recreational changes seem to occur with a bit of naiveness on my part since I’m not very good at reading the signals that may be being sent by someone else, or sometimes by my showing interest in something or someone. In most cases, it has led to some good friendships and relationships, nonetheless.

So, I’m sensing a juncture up ahead - a true crossroad, leading one direction or the other. It may be a smooth transition to the next road in my life, or I may hit a major bump in the road.

I wish I could say something like “it’s all in fate’s hands,” but I like to take a bit more responsibility for my life and realize that I’ve got some decisions to make in the very near future.

2005-12-09T11:33:00.000-08:00

Weighing in On the Balance of Life

We’ve all heard it said many times before that there is a balance of nature, of the universe, of life – or something like that.

While that may be true, to what extent? Does this balance only exist for 10 percent of our world, while the other 90 percent is unjustly balanced? And who determines the balance? Is it the rich? Is it those in power?

See, I don’t believe in this balance of nature. I think that like economics, the balance is in favor of a very few who will always control that balance.

Now that may sound pessimistic to many of you, if this were actually what I believed – and I do, but I don’t live by it. I do believe the balance falls into place with the intangible and most genuine things like love, respect and pleasure with the simple pleasure in life, which not all people can claim.

I recall spending an afternoon with a friend of mine. He is pretty well off. He owns several properties, both residential and commercial, eats at some of the finest establishments, drives a very nice car, and well, has the champagne taste and budget.

But my friend doesn’t have it all. He lacks the sense of adventure and well, that spark that makes people seem alive. He always calls and says he’s bored, alone and has nothing to do. Trust me, if I had his wealth, I would not be bored, unhappy, and I definitely would not have trouble finding something to do. I’m not saying that money is the key to happiness, but it does provide freedom, and freedom is a key element to happiness.

I also traveled to Costa Rica during that same time, and driving aimlessly throughout the entire country on some remote, unpaved roads, I got a sense for the simplicity of life. As I looked and spoke with people there, there seemed to be a sense of pride in their appearance and a sense of joy with what they had. Being a third-world country, I never got a sense of poverty being there. Their simplicity made me realize how rich I really am in more ways than one. I didn’t feel sorry for the people there, instead I desired the same sense of joy and satisfaction in life.

So, while I do believe that the nature of our society is to favor the economically well off, I believe that the scale weighs in favor of those who can find joy in and love for the simple things in life.

2005-12-07T20:58:00.000-08:00

Truly Man’s Best Friend

I often wonder what goes through my dogs’ heads. Is it nothing?

I recall clearly the day I got my dogs, almost 8 years ago. They were just six months old then. In the city animal shelter, amidst the collection of barking and nervous dogs, there they sat, huddled together, not barking, whining or going spastic, just sitting there staring up at me.

I didn’t necessarily have my heart set on puppies, or on two dogs for that matter. But there they were, brother and sister, looking nothing alike, but bearing the same markings on their coats that made it obvious to anyone they were from the same litter.

I notified the animal shelter official that I would like to take both dogs, but I, in return, was notified there were other people who wanted one or the other. There was a man who owned an auto repair shop who wanted the male dog to train as a watch dog, and from the look of him, he was not going to be humane about the training.

I asked if there was some way I could be given preference over the others, since I wanted both dogs. The attendant told me that the names of all interested parties would be put into a lottery, and the name drawn would be granted ownership of the dog or dogs.

So, on the day of the lottery, I brought as many of my friends and neighbors. They put their names into the lottery, indicating their interest in the dogs on my behalf. My name didn’t get selected. Instead, two of my immediate neighbors won the dogs and, in turn, awarded custody to me once we got home.

My motive behind the getting the dogs, initially, was to determine how responsible I would be, say, as a parent some day. To this day, I don’t have kids, but I have remained involved and active with, and responsible for my dogs.

But on this night, as we take our nightly walk, I wonder what they think. Do they have dreams? God know they know all of mine. They must understand, however, the comfort, joy, and unconditional companionship they have offered me over the years. This truly is the rewards of having not one, but two, best friends.

2005-12-02T19:16:00.000-08:00

Is it Coping or Escaping?

I think I do certain things in my life as an escape.

I started reading books because they took my somewhere else. I go to movies, and for two hours or more, I can forget about the things I have to deal with and just deal with the plot at hand. And I walk my dogs probably longer than necessary as a way to escape and to clear my mind of the things in my life that need to be resolved.

Now, often times, I think I’m putting things off and avoiding the inevitable, but then I think about the deadlines that surround my life daily - deadlines that are continuously there to be met. So, I think to myself, I can’t possibly be putting things off if I’m constantly meeting the demands of my life.

But I knowingly do escape for periods of time when I hit a roadblock on my path to meeting a deadline. This, I confess, I am guilty of. I don’t necessarily approach things head on. Instead, I clean things off my desk and tidy the office when I face a blank page, or I read an online news item or my horoscope when I come to something I’m not too sure about how to handle.

I think this puts me in a position with less time to be indecisive, and under the gun, so to speak, to have to deal with the problem. I can’t say that I’m a procrastinator. I’ve always accomplished my tasks in life with plenty of time to offer help wherever needed. I just can’t always cope with a task without escaping briefly for a break.

2005-11-30T21:19:00.000-08:00

If I Could Change One Thing

If I could change one thing, it wouldn’t be any of the huge mistakes I’ve made in my own life in the past. I can live with my mistakes and the consequences that have resulted from them.

The one thing I would change is the one thing I find to be the greatest atrocity in history against mankind. It’s not the crucifixion of Christ or even Sept. 11, but the Holocaust. Now I know some of you may find that to be sacrilegious and un-American, but when I think of the greatest number of innocent people ever killed and affected, I consider the Holocaust to be the greatest of them all.

It is beyond my comprehension how something so vile and inhumane was allowed to happen, and it’s beyond me the kind of madman and the kind of hatred that would cause such a tragic end for so many. And maybe it’s this lack of comprehension that makes this monstrous act so compelling for me.

When I read about it, or see films about this dark period in history, I think about God and the concept of God’s will. I think, “If there is a God, why would he have allowed these series of torturous acts to occur?” or “How could any God will this on anyone?” But these questions are coming from someone who questions the concept of God, or at least as most believe him to be.

But, who am I to question the belief of the people who were most persecuted simply for being who they are and for believing as they do? They endured an incredible amount of suffering, hardship, and yes, death, yet they managed to continue to believe in what they believed to be true and in the God I so greatly doubt and, in a way, blame for allowing what happened to them, well, happen.

So, on their behalf, I will try not to doubt as much. But, even if it took so many people to die, for me to consider believing fully in God, it would not have been worth that many people dying.

So that is the one thing I would change, if I could. The second would be the internment of Japanese-Americans in 1942, something we tend to barely mention in our wholesome American history lessons.

2005-11-25T13:57:00.000-08:00

Misfortune Knows No Rest

I really do like the holiday season. Not so much the shopping or the marketing of the holidays, but more so the spirit and lights of the season, and the joy they bring for the most part.

On my way to work, on the day before Thanksgiving Day, I hear about a stalled vehicle on the freeway, which then caused a five-car pile-up. I think to myself, what a traumatic way to start the holiday. I felt for their misfortune.

On the way home, I see a van with a family stalled along side the freeway. They were completely loaded for what seemed a long weekend trip, but a flat tire put a damper on things.

I always wish the best for people, and for some reason it really saddens me when I see misfortune or hear of misfortune affecting people during a time that should be joyous and filled with peace.

But I take it misfortune knows no holiday, no rest and has no regard for people’s individual circumstances or their ability to handle misfortune when it hits them.

So I take it that is why we count on the kindness of our fellow man to get us through times of misfortune, and I take it that is why there is hope, not necessarily our own, but the hope of others for us to be dealt a better hand of fortune.

2005-11-22T21:25:00.000-08:00

It’s a Matter of Taste

There are a few things I felt strongly would never appeal to me - the City of Los Angeles, swimming pools and baseball. And I know of the three, the latter is the one that disappoints people the most.

But that was 12 years ago I had made that determination. Today, I still feel strongly, but to the contrary.

Today, I love LA. I can’t get enough of it. And although it’s been in front of me the past 20 years, I feel like I’ve just discovered it, and have finally taken notice of every one of its beautiful features and character flaws.

As for swimming pools, well, I’ve never been a sun worshipper, nor have I learned to be still enough to relax out by a pool. So, considering that “the thing to do” by a pool, whether in your own back yard or at a vacation resort, is to simply relax and layout, well, for that reason, a pool has never appealed to me.

Today, I do have an appeal, a request per se, for a swimming pool in my own yard. I realized that with time being the greatest commodity in my life today, I could consolidate my 1-hour, daily workout to a 30-minute swim session every evening before bed. That way, I’d get an all out, complete body and cardiovascular workout, and be ready for a good night’s sleep. After all, who couldn’t sleep well after a good swim?

And finally, there’s baseball. I grew up going to Dodger games with my brother. I’d come visit him in LA from Texas every summer. But my brother wasn’t much for adventure. The drives to Dodger Stadium were always poorly planned, meaning we were always stuck in traffic, and well, the accommodations were never planned well either. I never enjoyed mid-day games, baking in the hot sun through nine innings of what I thought was an endless game. It just didn’t seem like fun to me at the time.

Now that I can plan a baseball outing of my own, whether Dodgers, Angels or Padres, and I can decide my pre-game or post-game activities, I love baseball, preferably late afternoon and evening games. I not only love baseball, but I love any game I can possibly afford to get to.

So, these days, I bite my tongue when I'm tempted to say I’ll never learn to like this or that. In fact, I’ve learned to try just about everything and make my determinations based on true experience, or at least my own.

The last thing I will admit I don’t enjoy are deadline, but I at least have learned to deal with them and thrive on them.

2005-11-21T15:16:00.000-08:00

Time After Time, My Timing is Off

Everything in life is about timing, and my timing tends to be off, in most cases.

In life, there are instances in which two people perfect for each other can cross the same path, yet, the timing could be off for one or the other, or both, to come together. Then again, the timing could be perfect for such a pairing.

Then, there are times when everything that could possibly go wrong, does, and all at the same time. That happens more often than not to me, but I’ve learned to roll with the punches, and I have the scars to prove it, too.

But sometimes timing is about a wait-and-see sort of thing. Not, wait by the way side and put everything on hold, but more of a continue-with-life approach and whatever happens to develop, well, develops when it does.

I look at it as developing a picture in a dark room. You can manipulate things to determine the contrast, but unless you’re really an expert with this process, which I am not, you either end up with something under or over developed.

And, in some instances, you can manipulate something, thinking you’re going to get the outcome you want, and work it, unfortunately, beyond the point of no return, and well, you’ve lost it, along with any chance of saving it.

So, when it comes to timing, I’ve let go of trying to control when I’d like things to happen and the exact outcome of them, as well. I still try to map my life, I’ve just given up trying to control everything in it, including the timing of things.

2005-11-19T19:34:00.000-08:00

Much Ado About Nothing

If I could sum up the biggest problem in our world, it would be that everyone is always trying to get others to see things his or her way.

I personally have my strong opinions about many things, but I don’t necessarily go out of my way to share those opinions, and I don’t necessarily share them just to let people know where I stand.

There are many things that people tend to debate about, the prominent ones being politics and religion. I don’t even discuss these two topics with my own mother to keep relations in good standing.

But even things of personal preference like music, wine, literature and sports tend to lead to sessions of heated debate among people.

As for me, when it comes to politics, I don’t necessarily have respect for our current administration, nor do I think we should be fighting the war we’re in. I do believe in gay rights, and a woman’s right to choice. When it comes to religion, I don’t believe in any one organized religion, but I do believe that everyone should have faith in something and be free to practice that faith. And, I don’t believe in separation of church and state, because the two – politics and religion – are institutions completely and blindly entangled with each other. After all, this county was founded on religion, not the freedom from it, and will continue to be run as such.

When it comes to music, I prefer listening to someone else’s recommendations, not necessarily what I enjoy listening to, because if I did, I’d wear out what I like, and then I’d just be bored with it. As for books, I prefer a hand-me-down, a garage sale find, and again, a recommendation. I find that I get more of a variety this way, than I would selecting my own books. One kind of book I don’t find interesting at all is an autobiography – I find them completely boring. If I had to read one – I’d much choose a book about Hitler or Churchill, than one about Nixon or Reagan. Definitely, not a Reagan book.

And as far as wine, it’s more about the company than the wine itself. And, yes, I do have a great understanding of wines, but I don’t understand saving that one bottle of wine for that special occasion. The best occasion I had sharing a great bottle of wine was late at night, on the back porch at a friend’s house, as we contemplated the what-ifs of life.

And well, as for sports, I love them all, although I don’t follow or cheer for any one particular team. I don't find that to be unsportsman like.

So that is my thinking in a nutshell. I don’t expect anyone to agree with it or understand it. So, when I hear people debate and get heated about topics, I figure it’s just much ado about nothing, and go on with my every day life and way of thinking.

2005-11-16T08:29:00.000-08:00

All Good Things Must Cease to Exist

On the campus of the private university I attended, in Texas, was this historic building that had been there since something like 1890. It was lovingly called Old Main.

It was a beautiful building, a majestic symol of the campus with its stone exterior and its towering rooflines. It looked like a fortress that could withstand just about anything.

In a way, I found solace there from my everyday campus life - the need for privacy, my financial frustrations, personal anxieties, and newspaper and report deadlines. It was my fortress of solitude.

The inside of Old Main was quite a different story, however. There you could see evidence of the building's aging flaws, like rickety old stairs, uninsulated windows and clanking pipe work.

Despite this, I saw it all as character and I loved sitting there on the stairs just staring at this majestic structure wondering what it looked like in its glory days and about the number of people it must have housed when it was the only structure on the campus.

Old Main was one of the true things I loved about college. And like all good things, it came to an end one night before my senior year.

Old Main burned down one night. It wasn't until the next morning that I found out, amidst the smoke, debri and chaos. I missed it all - the exictement, the fire, the crowds - but most of all, instantaneously, I missed it the most.

My fortress of solitude was gone and my college campus, all of a sudden, had lost its only true symbol that identified it from anything else.

But that building taught me something. It taught me to find comfort, solitude and peace with myself by just taking the time to sit and be still long enough to appreciate things for what they are and while we still have them.

2005-11-14T21:01:00.000-08:00

Sleepless in LA

I have periods of sleepless nights about every four months it seems.

I attribute it to a restless mind, preoccupied with an assortment of thoughts and maybe even some anxieties over some things beyond my control.

I’ve had four sleepless nights up to now this time around, which is usually the norm.

I really haven’t given this matter much thought simply because I just see at as a reflection of who I am – a person who just can’t seem to sit back and relax, even if the time is free to do so.

It’s nothing to boast about. I mean what benefits are there to not knowing how to slow down and give the body the proper rest or not knowing how to enjoy the benefits of relaxation to the fullest?

Even sitting down on a 1-1/2 hour commute, I can’t seem to decide whether I’d rather read the daily news, read a book, write some thoughts down or simply look out the window, and even that seems to get my mind going out of control with thoughts running every which way.

The best way I deal with it these days is somewhat of a compromise. I take long walks. This not only keeps me active, but, at the same time, clears my mind and gives me a feeling of being at peace.

I think I’ll be able to sleep tonight. My mind is clear now that I have put this to rest.

2005-11-13T20:53:00.000-08:00

Ignoring the Signs

I’m really good about overlooking the obvious.

All my life, even to this date, I’ve learned all of my most valuable lessons by making some of the biggest mistakes in my life.

It’s not as if all the warning signs weren’t there, it’s not as if I didn’t see them, and it’s not as if I didn’t consider the consequences of my actions, I just didn’t heed any of them.

Now, that doesn’t make me stupid. And the reason, I say that, is because once having made them, and having learned from them, I never made the same mistake, again. It’s somewhat like telling a kid not to play with fire, yet, he does it and burns himself.

I was not out looking to get into trouble, or wanting the bad that resulted from my actions, but I think it was the experience of having made some bad decisions that made me realize what I actually had lost in making those decisons.

I can look back at my mistakes, and all I can do is wish I had never made them, but in the scope of things, being who I am, I would not have become the wiser, had I not.

Yes, there are many people out there who are wise not having made the mistakes I’ve made, some having not made any, maybe. But, I am truly who I am today, and nonetheless, richer in my experiences, having made my mistakes and having gone through the difficult process of making things right again, as a result of them.

2005-11-09T22:05:00.000-08:00

Sit Back and Accept Life’s Set Backs

It was a morning of set backs for me.

It all started when I decided I’d take an extra hour to sleep in. It’s not as if I would have been late to work, it just meant I wouldn’t be there early as usual to stay an extra hour.

So I did sleep in, thinking I could drive in, which is something I don't usually do, either. But at the last minute, I decided I had enough time to take the train as usual, and that is where things went wrong.

On most days, the train runs like clock work. But on this morning, the train I had just missed by a few seconds had come to a halt in front of the train I was on, because of a man experiencing seizure-like symptoms. So, I’m not only late now, but now the train I’m on is completely packed with people passengers from both trains.

So I finally arrive to work 20 minutes late, and 15 minutes into work, the fire alarm goes off in the eight-story building I work in. The evacuation was extremely slow, we were instructed to wait out in an open parking lot in the midst of a rainy morning, and it was 40 minutes later before we were allowed back in – another long process in itself.

Such is life. We can do all the planning necessary, schedule everything to the exact hour, and think we have it made, but in the long run, life is full of occasional set backs.

So this evening, I’m setting all my plans aside and simply accepting any more set backs that come my way.

2005-11-08T08:09:00.000-08:00

The Grass is Just as Green on the Wrong Side of the Tracks

I see it all on the way to work.

My daily commute these days involves a 1-1/2 hour train ride through Long Beach, Los Angeles and Pasadena, which means going through South Central LA, home of the infamous LA Riots. In route through this area is Compton, one of the nation's highest crime areas and home of the Watts Towers, a fortress of disarray made of a convoluded network of tiles. Some call it art, others goudy, I call it a representation of the area in which it sits.

I enjoy my commute, the good and the bad. I've learned to love LA and its grittiness, its skyline and its culturally diverse neighborhoods like Olvera Street and China Town. This appreciation come from years of having lived in Orange County, one of Southern California's, if not the nation's, wealthiest counties.

As I travel through Compton early each morning, I see life as it is everywhere else. I see parents taking children to school in their freshly pressed uniforms. I see a couple kissing each other good-bye, and I see joggers on their early morning run.

While the setting, dynamics and diversity of people are completely different from that of an area like Orange County, the basic, daily routines seem to involve the same activities. These days, I don't notice going through Compton as much as I use to. It's no longer foreign to me.

Having been exposed to both the desirable and overlooked areas of Southern California has made me realize that the grass (or lack thereof, in this case) is not necessarily greener, but rather the same everywhere.

2005-11-06T23:14:00.000-08:00

Nature in High Definition

I have this thing for rain.

And living in Southern California, that may not be the most likeable thing to admit. But for some apparent reason, overcast days and rain, do for me what sunny days do for the remaining 95% of the population.

And this is coming from someone who really takes advantage of outdoor activities that can pretty much be done only in great weather like biking, hiking, kayaking, camping and, of course, enjoying the beach.

But, there is something about overcast days that give everything more definition and a refreshing mood for me. I compare it to the difference between a color photograph and a black and white one. I’m not knocking down color. God knows there’s nothing like a vibrant splash of yellow, blue or red on a subject. But, I’ve always been one for black and white photography. The dramatic shades seem to give more depth and meaning to a subject, and the mood just seems to be more defined for me.

I guess it’s the same when it rains for me. It’s like seeing everything in high-definition, so to speak. Everything is bigger, and the images are as crisp as can possibly be, and well for me personally, the motion and the mood are as defined as the clouds creating them.

And while I may not be the first to pull out my bike for a ride in the rain, there is one activity I do enjoy on an overcast, rainy day – a long, aimless drive along the coast.

2005-11-05T19:14:00.000-08:00

The Advantage Isn’t Always Mine

After ten years, I decided to step back on the court; tennis court that is.

I hadn’t picked up a tennis racket in ten years when I casually happened to ask some acquaintances what they were up to that weekend. They responded saying they play tennis with a group every Saturday morning. After telling them about my long hiatus from the game, they asked me to join them.

So, the next morning, I did just that. I dusted off a racquet I still happened to have in my garage, and decided I would show up 30 minutes early to warm up on my own. Besides, how good can a tennis stroke and serve be after so long?

I didn’t get to practice on my own. Instead, I found myself playing with regular, long-time players who decided they’d abuse me and help me practice before my group showed up. Some, I learned later, were tennis instructors at nearby colleges, some amateur league players, and others were just way up there in age, but I learned a long time ago, that age determines nothing.

All of them had such precise control of every shot and definitely gave me a run for my money. I managed to hold my own, but I worked up a sweat doing so in just 20 minutes – and that was just practice.

It’s been a year now, and although I have the most athletic abilities in my class, I don’t have the skills, the longevity or the mastery of the game like my colleagues. Every now and then, I amaze them and even myself, but in the end, I am humbled by what little effort on their part it takes for them to put me I my place.

I’ll admit I’ve learned a lot by getting back in the game, but in most cases, at the advantage of others, and not mine.

2005-11-04T19:37:00.000-08:00

Walking Off Some Steam

I walk a lot these days.

How this came about was not of my own doing. In fact, I had dropped my car off to have it serviced, and had arranged for someone to pick me up. After waiting for over half an hour, I decided I would take matter into my own hands.

I could have called my friend. Maybe there had been some miscommunication. I also could have taken the complimentary service shuttle the dealership offered. But I was frustrated, and I thought walking would resolve my anger.

So on this particular Saturday morning, I did just that, and I set out at a heart-racing pace. I don’t know if anger had something to do with the pace, but I still maintain it to this day.

The two-mile walk did several things for me. It subdued my frustration, helped me sort my thoughts, and definitely served as a workout. Plus, it allowed me to become familiar with things and places I drive past everyday and normally don't give any regard to.

Since that day, I’ve made it a habit to add a two-mile walk to my workout. This time I just take the dogs with me as a way to kill two birds with one stone. The walks continue to help put my emotions and weight in check, and they help motivate me and allow me to clear my mind.

Not only did I walk off some steam that morning, but I also walked away with a positive and beneficial approach to dealing with it.

2005-11-03T22:38:00.000-08:00

A Good Deal Has Passed Me By

For about three months I passed it by.

It was this thing that had caught my eye one morning through a window shop. It was simple, beautiful, somewhat abstract, and well, calling out to me, I guess.

I didn’t really pay much attention to it at first. I sort of just glanced at it with some slight interest. Every day, on the way to the office and on the way back, I passed it by, again and again, and as the days progressed, it just grew on me more and more.

I tried to catch a closer look through the widow, trying to make out what it was made of and trying to determine the value of it. On many occasions the timing was off, as the shop was closed, and at other times, I was in too much of a hurry to stop and find out more about it.

Then one day, I stopped. I reached out a hand and discovered it was made incredibly well and the value placed on it was definitely worth it.

I didn’t buy it, and not much longer after that, it was gone.

It isn’t so much about the lost opportunity that I think about, but rather that I didn’t accept this thing at face value and that it was simply there for me to have, had I taken the time and made the investment.

2005-11-02T22:11:00.000-08:00

Time for a Routine Cup of Coffee

I have a close friend who has his favorite routine of going for a cup of coffee at around 5 p.m. everyday. He’s not one of those laid-back kind of guys, nor is he looking to kill some time. He simply sets this time aside for himself – it's his routine.

While I may not be one to fall into a routine (I usually get bored and have to break free from such acts), I like knowing I have set the time aside to deal with the things that need to be done or to do the things I enjoy doing.

I’m a very disciplined person, overall. and very good at allocating time for things like workouts, chores, time with friends, walking the dogs, and of course, sorting my thoughts. And while I may not need to do them at the same exact time, or everyday for that matter, I find it important to know the time is there for me to get them done.

I’ve not been able to keep my routine lately. On particular days, the needs of others manage to interrupt my daily walks and workouts. At other times, friends who have days off, assume I do too, so I end up pushing aside some of my allocated time to accommodate seeing them.

So, at this point, my free time this evening has been consumed by others, and has led me to cope the only way I know. So with the very little time I have left, I’m off to have a cup of coffee.

2005-11-01T23:02:00.000-08:00

A Short Ride to a Long-Lasting Impression

I admit I’ve picked up a hitchhiker before.

I was 24 at the time, and living a charmed life in Southern California’s beach community of Laguna Beach. My commute to work was a 15-minute, picturesque coastal drive in my ’79 Convertible VW Bug - my first car, which I still enjoy driving to this day.

On this particular day, I saw a guy around my age standing along Pacific Coast Highway with a surfboard and a backpack. Without much thought to it, I figured it would be easy for me to pull off the road, have him throw his surfboard in the back seat and have us be on our way.

To this day, his name escapes me. What I do recall is we had a casual conversation, which covered an array of topics, including interesting destinations of his German homeland and his disappointment in Southern California’s surf. He seemed most interested in this phenomenon of Ronald Reagan as our country’s president, as did most people in his country, he noted. Who could blame them?

I took him to where he was staying, just a brief ride up the road from where I lived. I waited as he unloaded the surfboard, expecting him to come back for his backpack and simply say “thank you,” then I’d be on my way. Instead, he got back in the passenger seat and, with no hesitation, asked if we could go just down the road to the brewery he had seen earlier that day.

I didn’t even think about all the things I had waiting for me to do at home, including a looming deadline. I simply said “why not.”

We shared a pretty cool evening. He had me sample some hearty German beers and I recommended some micro brews. We had the best meal two strangers could share – a thick-crust pizza with all the fixin’s - and talked about life after college, places we’d like to travel to (Australia for him, Peru for me), and things we’d eventually like to try, like jumping off a plane.

There were no phone numbers or addresses exchanged that evening, or ever. There was only a sincere exchange of appreciation, not for the act of kindness, but rather for the rare, genuine companionship.

That short ride and brief experience made a lasting impression on me on what can happen when people let their guard down, are a bit more spontaneous, excuse themselves from the complications of their busy schedule, and make themselves available to share who they are with others and to learn from them as well.

2005-10-31T20:01:00.000-08:00

Waking Up to the Reality of Dreams

What is it about dreams?

Why must they be so obscure, involve people, place and events that are completely irrelevant, and make you think you're standing alone and exposed out on left field without a clue?

Why, in one dream, am I working at a restaurant in the nude? While I admit there is some relevance to this dream, it’s definitely not the nudity.

And why am I always falling? Where have I fallen off of and why don’t I just land somewhere? It’s like an endless elevator ride. I just want the doors to open and be let out. In this case, just hitting the ground would be a welcomed end. That is what I want. I want the fall to be complete.

But I also have this one wondrous dream – every man’s favorite dream – the incredible dream of flying. Simply flying. I admit, even as a grown man, this dream come true would be the ultimate experience and worth giving everything in life up to make come true. Set aside the obvious concerns like: Would I be cold? Do I need a cape? Will I be able to see, or will my hair get messed up?

All I know is every time I have this dream, when I awake, all I remember is how unreal it actually is – dreaming or not.

Then comes the moment in that dream when all I can do is barely get but a few feet off the ground, and that is when I know this breathtaking experience is coming to an end.

So, while half awake, I step off the bed and for a brief second I fly, then I finally complete my fall and hit the ground, and there I lay on the floor, wide awake and exposed.

Maybe there is something to be said about dreams.

2005-10-30T21:02:00.000-08:00

Children of A Lesser God

Is there a god?

That reoccurring question has been pondering in my mind several mornings this past week.

What spurred this question, more than ever before, is having read an article about employees at several Fortune 500 companies having lost everything they had invested in their companies’ insurance and 401K plans. Employees who had worked for a minimum of 15 years at such companies, lost everything when the corporate heads filed for bankruptcy. Yet, they themselves, managed to walk away with millions.

I put the article down at that moment, so angered that I still haven’t gone back to read the rest of it. I spent the remainder of the day thinking that if there was a god to oversee the just, then how could he allow such a blatant act of injustice to fall upon innocent, hard working people.

I went to bed that night convinced that God may be just as human as we are – having biases toward some, preconceived prejudices against others, and unknowingly discriminating against the less fortunate. Maybe the Greeks and Romans had it right in believing that their gods had human emotions that triggered their actions of anger, jealousy and vengeance.

I thought maybe God, just as humans, is drawn toward the beautiful and the wealthy. I was at peace with this image of God.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an atheist or agnostic. It would be too easy to be so. Plus, as a kid, my mom allowed me to go to any church that would send a bus to get me, whether it was Pentecostal, Nazarene, Lutheran or Methodist. I even made my holy communion and graduated from a Baptist university. For the most part, I came out believing in one thing – not in the saving grace of God nor in that heaven and hell stuff, but that overall, we were all just trying to get in touch with the good side of ourselves. To this day, I believe in one thing more than anything else – in the goodness of mankind.

And maybe that is what angers me the most, when I question the existence of God or read about the abuses of the less privileged. I’m not actually questioning if God exists or not, but wondering if the goodness in mankind, that I do believe in, actually does exist.

At times, in the overall scheme of things, it seems less likely to exist. But I have to take a step back and look at it on a smaller scale and wonder where I’d be today, if it hadn’t been for the goodness of a few I have met along the way.